My fantasy land

Last night I went to bed and it was still summer, and today I woke up to a beautiful autumn morning. Clouds had rolled in from seemingly out of nowhere--dark gray clouds, just the kind I have been hoping and praying for these past few weeks. They were big and puffy--like dyed cotton balls. I could tell the air would still be warm today, but not hot--not like it's been, in the mid nineties. I practically skipped to my car, and I swear as I drove to work things weren't as ugly as they have seemed lately--even work didn't seem too disgusting a prospect. I was so grateful for just the chance of thunderstorms and rain that I almost forgot the nasty, heartbreaking things in life right now--the hard edges of existence that poke in at you in just the most annoying or hurtful places. Work went smoothly, although it was tedious. And once again I was driving amidst the beautiful low black, blue, and gray clouds. They didn't cover the entire sky, but were off in the distance--to the north. The way they blended with the almost white skyline made the picture breathtaking. I was lost in the scene, so much so that I wished I didn't have to return home so soon and depart from my fantasy land--that I could stay driving like that forever... just watching the beauty and never being poked and prodded by the scary hard facts of life again.

No matter what...I enjoy being a beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent a girl!

There are days when, for no reason whatsoever, I feel awful, ugly, unattractive and totally over sensitive about my weight. I am not alone, I know. It is part of the plight of being a woman. We ache over wanting to be beautiful and to belong. On such days as these my thighs can't tear themselves apart from one another, and, in the words of Mark Lowrey, I can hear them apologizing to each other as I walk, "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me" they whisper together. On these days my face looks swollen or saggy, blotchy or bacterial infested. I look at my head of normally beautiful golden red hair and sigh because it looks dull and full of split ends. If there is any way to pick myself apart, on these days, I find it. On these days, when I am most aware that my hips do not need ten pounds of chocolate, I am most likely to eat at least that much of it. And on these days, I sulk.

But then there are the good days. The days when I can see myself through the eyes of God and through the eyes of the man that fell in love with me. These are the days when no one can hold me back. When I am grateful for the curves that make me so feminine. Days when I soak up the bubbles in my bath, pampering the confident and radiant woman that I am. I put on my favorite dress and blow-dry my hair 'til it shines. I take extra care with my make-up, touching every surface of my face as if it were a beautiful and delicate portrait. These are the days when I am unstoppable. My friends and family ask me why I am so dressed up and I answer, "Because I feel like it," but I know that the real answer is more along the lines of, "Because I deserve it."

Estee Lauder said, "Beauty is an attitude. There's no secret." and "There are no ugly women - only women who don't care or who don't believe they're attractive." I believe this, and so it is my fervent hope that you my friend, see the real beauty that you are today.

No Matter What... I may be a senior in college, but I still have no clue

Well, I can't say that I wasn't warned. After all, countless friends told me it would happen....I am now a senior in college. Yes, I am officially finished with my junior year, and therefore every person I come into contact with feels that I should know the answer to these questions...

"SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER COLLEGE?" or "WHAT'S THE PLAN NOW THAT YOU'RE ALMOST DONE WITH SCHOOL?"

The answer ladies and gentlemen: "I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA!"

Well, I guess that isn't completely true because I do know a few things. For example, I know that I love writing and will try to incorporate that into whatever I eventually do. I also know that I love people and having an impact on people's lives, but beyond those couple of facts I am a lost puppy.

I am in the middle of what many people would call a "soul-searching stage" as I try to discover my passions and what I want to do in the "real world." I have contemplated a number of options. I can see myself as a teacher or professor, someone who works in ministry, a counselor or psychologist, or even (and this is the latest) a wedding planner. Basically I'm all over the chart and don't know where I'll land.

All I know is that I need to land soon because the prospect of living on my own and providing for myself is soon to make itself a very real, however unpleasant, reality.

I like my newest idea of being a wedding planner/bridal consultant the best so far. I still have to figure out how my journalism skills would come into play here, but I am sure they would be of use. A certain person told me that he was shocked to discover that this was a passion of mine because it seems so different from the rest of my prospective careers, but I must say that I completely disagree.

Being a bridal consultant would allow me to still have an impact on people's lives. I can still be a light for Christ by planning people's weddings. In fact, I think that it would be an amazing thing to be able to help people bring their own personalities and stories into one of the most important days of their lives--a day that they are sure to remember for the rest of their lives.
I know that some of my journalism skills--such as those used in interviewing and collecting information/research would work very well along side this kind of career, and hopefully I could do some writing along side about weddings or marriage in general--I'm not sure about that yet though.

All I know is that out of all my prospects so far this is the one that seems most exciting to me... and I am happy about that. Now I just need to do a little more praying and a little more research.....

No Matter What... Tomorrow's Appeal Never Dies

Tomorrow I will be smarter, I will walk taller, I will smile sweeter, tomorrow I will strive to be something more, but today, just today let me be the lazy, unseen, natural, real me, the me that longs to crawl back into bed and read the long gloomy day away, the me that didn't do her hair or makeup, the me that stayed in her pajamas all day long.

Tomorrow I will have a plan, I will act and execute, I will be thorough, I will sell what I need to sell and make them understand, but today, just today, let me be just me, scared and a little lonely, afraid to make a mistake in this important piece of art called life, afraid that one smudge even in the corner will ruin the tapestry of forever.

Tomorrow I will have it all together, I won't make excuses or mistakes, I won't long for a second chance, or more time, but today, just today let me wonder about my past choices and contemplate the future, let me wonder if I am all that I should be, let me crawl under the covers in my pajamas and hide the day away.

No Matter What... Thank You Jesus for Las Vegas

After a while of not writing, it is so hard to start back up--where do I start? How do I start? There is so much that has been left unwritten--how can I possibly start now?

But alas, here goes nothing....

This past weekend, I went to Las Vegas. I love Vegas! Anyone who knows me might stare at me in wonder when I exclaim this proud fact about myself, but it's true. I, a conservative, Christian school girl, love Las Vegas. When other people see hookers, trash, grime, sex and sin, I see big lights, exciting places, fun atmospheres and a whole lot going on. Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to live there, but for a weekend away it's just as magical to me as Disneyland or a trip to Big Bear.

In fact, because my parents did such a great job at sheltering me and my sister from seeing the prostitutes and stripper ads when we went to Vegas as a family, I was almost surprised to see so many when I went on my own with a group of friends. I knew that Vegas would be a different place for me once I turned 21, and I think I expected it to lose some of its magic. But surprisingly, it didn't lose any of that magic at all really... it was still the beautiful city I had thanked Jesus for when I was a little girl. The lights still twinkled like a fantasy, and the excitement in the air wasn't tainted at all even though I was now fully aware of my surroundings. I began to see that maybe my parents weren't necessarily that great at hiding the grunge; maybe I just chose to see the glamour instead.

It's true that Vegas is called Sin City, and for good reason. Truly, if I wanted to get myself into trouble that would be the place to do it, but Vegas is also much more than that. If you look past the grime and see the city with a childlike innocence, you can discover great people just longing for some good times with their buddies. Look past the hookers on the street and you see the incredible architecture and beauty of a fabulous strip of hotels unlike anything else in the world. Look past the drunks in the seats next to you and listen to the piano players and the cool music of the 80's and 90's that you can't help but sing along too.... Vegas is a place where some unmentionables happen yes, but it's also a place where you can forget your sorrows, your disappointments in life, and your worries about tomorrow. Look to the guy next to you rooting you on as you spend your last dollar on craps and then buy him a drink when you win back more than you came with. Ironic as it may sound, Vegas is a place of hope, dreams, idealism, excitement, and bonding--that's why it's one of my favorite places... honestly, how could it not be?

No matter what...this is where I am meant to be

Friday was the first day of real summer in southern California. It was hot and is hotter still today. It's a dry heat though, one that has always accompanied my childhood summers and, so, I welcome the old friend. I soaked up the heat of the sun this weekend by the pool near family and friends. I know that although this is probably my last summer at home it will be very similar to those old familiar days trapped inside my memories. Days off of work will be spent with friends at the beach or at pool parties and BBQs with family. The hot nights will be spent lounging and looking at the stars in the clear warm summer skies.
I am a firm believer in the seasons of life. And all of this reminiscing and pondering has made me realize, I am in the summer of my life now. I am still inspired by the late blooms of the past season, but for the most part the newness of life that was my childhood spring is gone. I am fully grown now; not surprised by much. I willingly accept the growth process--the painful scorch of the sun that burns as it nourishes, the thirst for rain to supply and cleanse--yes, this is where I am meant to be. This is me. This is summer.

No matter what...convenience...the road to hell...maybe

Friday night I saw Iron Man at the theaters with my family (great movie by the way). As I waited with my family for the long set of previews to start in the dimly lit theater amidst a hundred or so audience members, I saw an unusual thing. Out of the corner of my eye, a glimpse of color, a red box was being wheeled in by people dressed in burgundy and black cinema attire entering the theater. I looked over from one of the many repeating "Please silence your cell phones" ads on the big screen to appraise the situation. These were vendors holding boxes of candy and coolers of ice cream and standing in front of a big red box of popcorn.
I almost laughed out loud. As if the huge concession counter in the middle of the theater weren't enough, the managers are now instructing their employees to chase after the people who didn't cave and buy buckets of popcorn, or gobs ice cream--you know, those people who decided "well i spent five dollars in gas coming to the movie and another forty on me and my family, and let's face it as the true American family we are already busting at the seams from the fast food dinner we just ate, so we'll pass on dessert tonight, and just enjoy the movie." They walked through the wafting smells of popcorn and nacho cheese, they passed the endless glass cases of candy as their kids screamed, "please daddy, pleeeease mommy just one, just one!"
But they finally made it. They were inside the actual theater, the kids are finally calmed down--content in watching the paper bag puppets on the fandango commercial, and they are at peace. The movie will start soon and there will be nothing to worry about. Then, doom of all doom, the box is slowly wheeled inside along with the three concession stand workers, and it might have gone unnoticed if it weren't for those blasted bright colors. The kids once again are up in arms, their chubby hands on their parent's shirts pulling as they plead for just one box of candy or just one ice cream cone.
People are starting to stare now. Mom and Dad exchange a look of panic and finally cave, they figure, "We might as well, they won't shut up about it, and it looks kind of good to me too now." The self-control is finally broken and the three smug employees wait as Dad waddles down to the end of the aisle, (he's thankful that at least he doesn't have to walk clear out to the concession stand in the lobby--that would be too much exercise) and picks out his treats for himself and his family.
Aww..but that's the American way...they get us with the breaking down of our self control, with the playing on our nerves, and with the blasted convenience of it all.
But I just laugh and take another handful of popcorn for myself...the movie is about to start.